Saying good-bye to Grandma Pyper

It's strange to me that reflecting on the past little while, my mom has been gone for nearly 10 months now and sometimes it seems as though she's still here....like I can dial her up on the phone and tell her about the exciting new milestone that one of the cuties hit. her phone number is still in my phone and i often think that i need to delete it but every time I make the effort...I stop. I guess I equate her number with her spirit still being accessible to me.

I've been needing to create this post for quite some time and every time that I try to compose something meaningful I always conveniently have something else to do. I guess it's about time to put the memory in written form and share the events of our first family reunion in July of 2009.

We were all excited to be able to have an actual reunion in Park City with the whole family. it was going to be a great celebration, including a big birthday bash for mom. She was turning 50 (huge milestone) and it was going to be a birthday to remember!! Plans had been in the making for the previous months and we were set to go horseback riding, boating, water skiing, spa visiting, pool enjoying, etc. etc.!! Honestly- it was all about having a great time with the fam!!

We all got up to the Westgate penthouse and were all settled in for a week-end of non-stop excitement. It was July 3rd and the family was in several different places taking part in different activities. Mom went to Lake Jordenelle with Natalie, Pat, Alysha, Brandon, Justin, Billy, Dylan, Pyper, Cali and Uncle Alan. some of the guys were going to be fishing while the rest would be water skiing on my Uncle Alan's boat that he brought up for the occasion. I remember my mom talking relentlessly about how excited she was to have Alan come up and celebrate with her. she couldn't wait to get out on the boat... which I always thought was kind-of funny because no one in our family grew up water skiing, especially not my mom.

The rest of us where back at the penthouse waiting for extended family to arrive and enjoying a relaxing morning at the pool with the rest of the little cuties. I was about 3 months prego at the time and just getting over the morning sickness part of pregnancy so getting jerked around on a chopping lake was not really my idea of a good time!

We were down at the pool and decided to come back up to the condo for lunch when my cell phone rang with pat on the line. I remember he said that my mom got hurt. I asked him "what do you mean she got hurt?"...he responded that my uncle Alan thought she had a seizure.

I thought to myself that she probably worked herself up with this whole vacation and either forgot to take her medication or simply over-exerted herself on the lake. Pat said that she wasn't really talking but to me it appeared that she might just be post-ictal and just not verbal yet. It had been awhile since she had a seizure and her body wasn't sure how to handle it now that she was older. A very small and suppressed part of me considered the worst and that she may have bled out...but really not serious about that scenario, I tried to focus on the positive values at hand.

Well- come to find out she had to be pulled from the water because she was unresponsive. As far as I remember the story, she insisted on trying to ski and so got in the water and went for a run. She went down and so the boat was pulled around to see if she wanted to go again or be done for the day. she said she was done. in the time it took for the boat to pull around again to pick her up... she was gone. Not literally gone, but the damage had begun and anyone that knows anything about AVM's, once the burst happens, there's really no chance of recovery.

I think for me, as a nurse, the most difficult thing was to be fed second hand information without being able to assess the situation myself. I was not there. I really had no idea, medically how she was doing. What were her vitals? Was her neurological check Perrla? Did she have increased ICP? What was her pressure? What was her GCS? Did she have deficit in any of the 13 cranial nerves? Cap refill? Peripheral and Central pulses? Gag reflex? Response to pain? So many things to assess and I had no answers....

The ambulance rushed her to the University of Utah Medical Center to determine the extent of injury. My dad and I took turns on the phone with the Neuro team at the hospital giving them a history of my mom's medical conditions.

As quickly as I could get ready, my dad and I headed to the hospital to get the real story. I asked the neurologist to please call after the CT to at least give us an update on her condition. All we knew then was that they had intubated her in the ER to secure her airway and that she was headed to radiology.

The ride down the canyon was long and full of anxiety. I tried to remain calm so that I could have a calming effect on my dad, but my head was racing with potential scenarios.

We were about 5 minutes from the medical center when my dad's cell phone rang with a call from a 801 area code. This was obviously the medical center and so I answered in lieu of my dad. the gentleman on the line introduced himself as the neurosurgeon that was covering my mom's case and I asked him if he was calling with an update. He confirmed that he was. I told him that we were about 5 minutes from the hospital and he then said the phrase that everyone is afraid to hear... "it would be better for me to talk to you in person when you get here". Which is code for "it's not good".

I told him that I realized that my mom's condition was serious and that being a nurse myself, I would appreciate his plainness in a prognosis. Our conversation is as follows beginning with the words of Neurosurg:

"she bled out on the entire left side and down into the brain-stem. Significant damage as already been done"

"okay- and there's no way to evacuate the bleed?"

"No"

"So... you're telling me that it is inoperable?"

"Yes... that's what I'm saying"

"So.. what you're saying is that she's not going to make it...."

"That's correct. I'm sorry".

What else is there to say after such news is conveyed by the chief of the neurosurgery team? Taking care of several traumatic brain injury patients in the past, there really isn't anything to say about these significant and unforgiving injuries. The truth is painful to receive and almost as painful to give.

I really didn't need to relay the information to my dad because he heard the entire conversation. I called the rest of the family up in park city, talked to Brandon and just said that everyone needed to get to the hospital because mom wasn't going to make it.

The rest of the day has become a blur to me... I know that we all were at the hospital and that we all were able to say good-bye and that we decided as a family to have my mom's vital organs donated to OneLegacy for harvesting in the hopes that others might be given a new chance of life through this tragedy.

She was officially pronounced on the 4th of July... which I'm sure will hold very mixed emotions in the future for that holiday.

It is interesting what you are able to learn from such moments that try the soul. Was it fair? Was it her time? Was she ready? Was I ready? Could I have been a better daughter? Those difficult questions have been addressed over and over again these past months- with different answers each time.

This I can say for certain... no one is really prepared to have a loved one taken from them... especially not in a moment's notice. But the Lord really does know what He is allowing to happen. He let's horrible things happen because He also let's amazing things happen.

2009 has been a very trying year for our little family... but it has also been a year full of miracles... one being the birth of our little Presley Kemy Nelson. We have been so blessed to have her with us and to allow us to look through eyes that are focused on keeping an eternal perspective.

With regards to my mom's passing... as Becky Green so eloquently expressed in the eulogy that she gave at the funeral...

I am standing on the seashore...

A ship spreads her sails to the wind and starts for the ocean.

I stand watching her until she fades on the horizon and someone at my side says "She is gone",

"Gone where?" I ask.

The loss of sight is in me, not her.

Just at the moment when someone said "She is gone" there are others who are watching her coming.

Other voices take up the glad shout "Here she comes"...